Churches that Abuse – “Abusive Churches Make Leaving Painful”

Jul 20, 2009 5:57 PM
Churches that Abuse – “Abusive Churches Make Leaving Painful”
by makestraight

One need not have psychological training to understand that such a procedure also operates as an effective control mechanism within a church. Those who are the “boat-rockers,” those who raise uncomfortable questions and who challenge the leadership in any way, are prevented from sharing their legitimate concerns and criticism with other members. Dissent is muffled, and disinformation can be “spiritualized” or manipulated by the leadership.

Even while admitting how badly they have been treated by an abusive church, former members may vacillate between rejecting the past and defending the group they have left. In the latter instance, they may feel like they are betraying their old “spiritual family.” Many times while talking with ex-members I have heard them speak positively about the close, interpersonal ties that they developed while in the group and how difficult it is to recreate that intimacy on the outside. Or they defend the worship style of the group.

Another common response I have noticed among former members is the feeling that they were alone in their struggle — even thinking they were perhaps “a little crazy” for having had such experiences. “Am I the only one to have experienced this kind of thing?” many would ask. Discovering a published article on the phenomenon has also benefitted some victims greatly because they realize that they are not alone. Even more effective is encountering someone who has experienced the same abuse. “There is actually someone else out there like me who understands!”

For those of you that have left Gracepoint Fellowship Church, I highly recommend that you read Chapter 9, entitled “Abusive Churches Make Leaving Painful” from the book, Churches that Abuse.

It really helps you to know that your experience is not unique and that spiritual abuse is real. Spiritual abuse typically occurs in an environment where the top leaders have dictatorial-type power, without any accountability. Gracepoint shares in that same structure, but I do want to note that it’s not as bad [perhaps not yet] as many of the churches depicted in the book.


Also, I want to qualify that although shunning occurs, it’s not as deliberate on the part of the midlevel and younger staff. Many midlevel staff feel afraid and awkward to ask what happened. At the same time, the leavers don’t want to tell the full story of what happened, because they know that story can be twisted and used against them to judge them. Often, there is some type of “cover story” that the leavers give. Oftentimes, the upper leaders will judge them with a label. If not, they will merely state, “Oh they went to another church,” and leave it matter of factly at that – you aren’t expected to ask for more details on it.

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 9:

As I have noted elsewhere in this book, excommunication is almost always accompanied by shunning behavior instituted by the leadership. For example, whenever members were disfellowshipped from the Community Chapel in Seattle (and that was a regular occurrence), this action was mentioned in the Sunday bulletin. “The pastor requests that members of our congregation have no further contact with [names of the persons involved are listed]; they have been disfellowshipped from this church. Do not call them for advice or ask their opinion about spiritual and soulical [Pastor Barnett's own term, equivalent to "fleshly"] relationships, the church leadership, or any other matter. If they call you, politely hang up as quickly as possible. These people are not — and never have been — in a position to give direction or advice regarding the move of God in our church. Your cooperation in this matter will help you, and is greatly appreciated by the pastor.”

One need not have psychological training to understand that such a procedure also operates as an effective control mechanism within a church. Those who are the “boat-rockers,” those who raise uncomfortable questions and who challenge the leadership in any way, are prevented from sharing their legitimate concerns and criticism with other members. Dissent is muffled, and disinformation can be “spiritualized” or manipulated by the leadership.

Even while admitting how badly they have been treated by an abusive church, former members may vacillate between rejecting the past and defending the group they have left. In the latter instance, they may feel like they are betraying their old “spiritual family.” Many times while talking with ex-members I have heard them speak positively about the close, interpersonal ties that they developed while in the group and how difficult it is to recreate that intimacy on the outside. Or they defend the worship style of the group.

Another common response I have noticed among former members is the feeling that they were alone in their struggle — even thinking they were perhaps “a little crazy” for having had such experiences. “Am I the only one to have experienced this kind of thing?” many would ask. Discovering a published article on the phenomenon has also benefitted some victims greatly because they realize that they are not alone. Even more effective is encountering someone who has experienced the same abuse. “There is actually someone else out there like me who understands!”

The best persons to reach out to church abuse victims are former victims. As one ex-member puts it, “The two main things that helped me more than anything were reading the Bible frequently and talking to people who had had similar experiences.” I am aware of several informal support groups that have formed to serve the needs of individuals leaving specific organizations. The Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center in Albany, Ohio, is a unique, residential counseling facility that provides professional assistance to victims of spiritual abuse. Its capable director, Dr. Paul R. Martin, psychologist and evangelical Christian, was once a member of Great Commission International (GCI), an organization mentioned in this book.

I want to add that there is also another odd phenomenon that occurs there. I know because I used to do it myself. When I was a member there and we’d hear about ex-members meeting up with other ex-members, we would automatically assume that they were getting together to just “talk bad about GFC/Berkland,” and frown upon it. I would judge them automatically as though “those sinners were getting together to gossip and malign our church!” I didn’t consider that perhaps some negative things they were talking about could actually be TRUE. I was stuck in that “Ed/Kelly and Gracepoint would not do such things!” mentality, so I was not fully open to even wanting to know the truth, now that I think back about it.

I didn’t give the ex-members the benefit of the doubt, which I believe now that they deserved. I didn’t realize that perhaps they merely needed to meet up to help heal from their hurts and validate truths. I only realized it after I left myself. I had to repent about that.

Let me qualify that I’m sure not all reacted the same as I did. But there were those that did.