Monday, August 1, 2016

Love Bombing

Got a comment recently:


Hey John,

Read these articles:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cults_in_Our_Midst

I think it would be useful if you could relate them to your experience and share your conclusion on this blog.

Sincerely,
Just Left





From the first article:


Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. The phrase can be used in different ways. Members of the Unification Church of the United States (who reportedly coined the expression) use or have used it to convey a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern. Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the "love" is feigned and that the practice is psychological manipulation in order to create a feeling of unity within the group against a society perceived as hostile."


While I don't completely agree with the above definition, I can say that from my experience Berkland/Gracepoint definitely encourages the staff to lavish "love" on newcomers and new students. Whether it is genuine or not, is a question for each person. I personally experienced a lot of pressure to "love" freshmen, even if there was no genuine connection between me and the newcomer. When I used to go, each new person was "assigned" to a small group and it was the small group's responsibility to ensure that this new person felt welcomed and loved.


For example, I was told to give a ride to someone who lived in San Francisco during the summer so that this person could come to church. Had I been a stronger person, I probably would have said no. But at the time, I thought that I had to obey everything my leader asked me to do.


As an older student, I felt pressured to get a car, so I could "do ministry." I gave countless rides to the airport, Costco, Target, etc. and to Southern California. Most passengers did not have to decency to offer help to pay for gas.


I helped countless persons move. I've cooked countless meals.


Was this genuine love? Maybe some of it. But not all. We were taught that our feelings didn't matter. What mattered was obedience and sacrifice. If love didn't hurt or cost me something, it wasn't real. This is how we prove our love for Christ, by pouring out our lives for another.


Sounds wonderful.

But when there is so much pressure, it takes away a person's ability to choose to do this on their own. For the Holy Spirit to do the work inside a person's heart. It also takes away gratitude from the receiver. It was almost expected that whatever someone "needed," the person trying to reach out to the newcomer had to fill that need.


I was a recipient of "love bombing" as well. I needed to get a small table but didn't have a car. An older person in my small group had a car but this person didn't really want to give me a ride. The leader told this person to give me a ride. This person was rebuked in front of me for being selfish. Totally shamed. Looking back on it, I feel very bad for this person.


Even though this person and I went together to get the table, the whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth. To receive from someone who did not want to give. This is not "love."